Redundant Santa’s Given Sweater Lifeline.
Special Report by a recently redundant part-time Santa.
Sympathetic and understanding schools may have rescued many would-be ex-Santas from the seasonal Santa scrapheap. This Christmas has been a bumper year for part-time Santas with many shopping malls and department stores being way over subscribed. “Such is the popularity of being a part-time Santa that we no longer have to employ pissed stenched, alcoholics in our stores therefore we can be very choosey!” explained shopping centre manager Holly Bush.
As a consequence of this many of the ex-Santas are to be retrained as ‘Crooners’ and will be employed in schools for the run up to Christmas. “Every one of these old guys owns a Val Doonigan style sweater as well as being excellent crooners. The plan is to deploy them to schools where they will sit in reception areas and wander through corridors crooning some of the all-time classic Christmas ballads like ‘White Christmas’ and ‘Winter Wonderland,’ explained Education chief Brian Jessop. He went on to add. “It’s also an excellent opportunity for them to wear one of the many garish sweaters they’ve received over Christmasses past, present but not future.”
We understand that the scheme is the brainchild of various school inspectors who regularly sit around doing nothing at this time of year. It is thought that they felt it would be a good idea to calm the tension which is regularly witnessed in schools during the festive season with the introduction of this feel-good music explained an inspector on her mobile from her hairdressers.
It is also believed that the government will run an aggressive advertising campaign in order to attract these old fellas. Apparently anyone can apply as long as they:
1. Vaguely resemble redundant old codgers like below
2. Own a garish sweater like these
3. Can or have crooned Christmas ballads in the past both in sober and/or drunken state.
4. Are at pensionable age*
*(At the time of going to press Pensionable age may be open to hostile debate.)
Basically anyone’s Grandad could be up for it!
Do You Know Anyone Who Fits The Sweater?
If you do then save someone from the indignation of spending their days leading up to Christmas having 40 winks every afternoon
REMEMBER don’t call the Inspectorate as they’re all out to lunch. Just call your local school and save ex-Santas like these.
More ex-Santas and other stuff can be found at